


Querencia

by Ysabetwordsmith



Series: Love Is For Children [16]
Category: Hulk (2003), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Incredible Hulk (2008), The Incredible Hulk - All Media Types
Genre: #coulsonlives, Acceptance, Bruce Banner Needs a Hug, Canon-Typical Violence, Casualties, Communication, Communication Failure, Courage, Depression, Destruction, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Repression, Families of Choice, Family, Friendship, Gen, Homelessness, Hope, Hulk Feels, Hulk Needs a Hug, Love, Mass Destruction, Non-Sexual Age Play, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Past Child Abuse, Poverty, Protective Hulk, Rejection, Self-Destruction, Self-Discovery, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 20:09:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1912140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ysabetwordsmith/pseuds/Ysabetwordsmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hulk muses about the sources of his inner strength.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Querencia

**Author's Note:**

> Bruce and Hulk have a relationship that is currently somewhere between self-harm and domestic abuse depending how you look at it.
> 
> It's not critical to the storyline, so you can skip it without losing track of anything major; it just gives an inside view of Hulk's experiences on the run and with the introduction of game night. This poem also fills the "language and translation" square in [my 1-2-14 card](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/9587279.html) for the   fest.
> 
> Not all the end notes would fit so I moved some here...
> 
> [Querencia](http://taprootfarm.info/art-and-spirit/querencia-the-cob-cottage/the-meaning-of-querencia/) \-- (n.) a place from which your strength is drawn, where your feel at home; the place where you feel your most authentic self.
> 
> [Multiplicity](http://www.karitas.net/blackbirds/layman/whatis.html) is the state of having two or more people sharing one body. The comic "[MPD for You and Me](http://lb-lee.deviantart.com/art/MPD-for-You-and-Me-01-315152808)" does a good job of explaining.
> 
> _[The Incredible Hulk](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Incredible_Hulk_\(film\))_ shows Bruce-and-Hulk on the run.
> 
> [Child neglect and abuse](http://calm4kids.org/kids-grow-strong-in-caring-communities/) cause a lot of problems. Bruce-and-Hulk hurt themselves and each other mostly because they never had a chance to learn better coping methods or relationship skills.
> 
> [Self-awareness](http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/self-awareness.htm) is the ability to know yourself, [on various levels](http://psychology.emory.edu/cognition/rochat/Five%20levels%20.pdf). Know the [signs of low self-awareness](http://www.inc.com/steve-tobak/7-signs-youre-not-as-self-aware-as-you-think.html) and [how to improve it](http://www.selfcreation.com/self-awareness/).
> 
> [Emotional intelligence](http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-emotional-intelligence-eq/0001037) is a broad capacity to understand and use feelings. There are [ways of raising EQ](http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-mind-your-body/201201/10-ways-enhance-your-emotional-intelligence). [Intrapersonal intelligence](http://www.connectionsacademy.com/blog/posts/2014-01-24/Self-Smarts-Knowing-Yourself-Is-the-First-Step-to-Success.aspx) is a subset of this. Know how to [boost your intrapersonal intelligence](http://blog.econsultant.com/25-ways-to-develop-your-intrapersonal-intelligence). In this area, Hulk is strong and Bruce is weak.
> 
> [Calm](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calmness) is a [good habit](http://zenhabits.net/calm/). Understand [how to be calm](http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Calm). Bruce has worked his tail off to develop this skill.

Hulk understands  
more than he speaks.

There is a place inside themselves,  
somewhere between Bruce and Hulk,  
that they can share some things.

Hulk can stand on the edge of it  
and catch the meaning of words  
that he could not grasp  
all on his own.

 

_Querencia_ is a memory  
of home as it was,  
and will never be again:  
what he yearned to  
but could not protect.

It is, too, a hope  
of home as it could be:  
a place to feel secure,  
to rest and renew themselves.

This is what sustains Hulk  
while they are on the run,  
while he is always running  
to keep Bruce safe.

_Someday,_ Hulk thinks,  
 _no more running_.  
It feels good to think that.

 

_Querencia_ is paradise,  
a place for speaking the deepest beliefs.

Bruce's beliefs are thick here,  
layered like beautiful stones,  
all full of science and confidence.

Hulk likes to come here and look at them.  
His own beliefs twine between them like vines,  
grow over their curves like moss:  
Love. Hope. Strength. Protection.

When the bad men come to hurt them --  
when all Bruce can think is, _Why?_  
when all Hulk can think is, _Smash!_ \--  
this little corner of heaven yet remains,  
inviolate and vibrant.

No matter how bad it gets,  
those hunters always go away in the end,  
and paradise is still there.

 

_Querencia_ is self-awareness.  
This is a Hulk thing,  
and not a Bruce thing,  
for Bruce does not like  
to look into himself as Hulk does.

Hulk looks in and down,  
in and down, as if  
their mind is a deep lake  
and he wants to see the bottom.

He wants to know himself,  
because if he knows himself,  
then he can know others --

know how they feel  
and what they will do  
before they do it.

Then something strange happens:

Bruce begins to look in and down too.  
He is not looking for himself,  
he is looking for calm,  
and when he sees Hulk's face  
in the lake of their mind,  
at first he recoils.

Bruce comes back, though,  
again and again,  
always looking for calm.

It takes a long time,  
but he begins to find it.

Sometimes, when Bruce  
reaches deep enough,  
Hulk can feel him

and for a little while  
they are together inside,  
 _you and I_ becoming _we_.

In this place where they are  
their most authentic selves,  
they can start to know each other.

 

_Querencia_ is the center  
from which all energy emerges,  
the gathering point of power.

They go a bullfight, once,  
neither of them wanting to go  
but there is a man  
and there is money  
and they have need,  
so they go.

It is ugly and brutish  
and they try not to watch much,  
but they see things anyway.

The bull finds a place  
within the bloody, dusty ring  
where he can stand fast  
and balance himself,  
catch his breath for a fresh charge --

and when he rushes forward,  
he hooks the matador with a horn  
and flings him into the air.

Bruce vaults over the wooden fence  
without thought or hesitation,  
all instinct driving him  
to help the crumpled man  
whose life is pumping into the dust.

Hulk lets him work.  
This is not Hulk's job.  
Hulk's eyes are all for the bull  
in case he needs to come out  
and keep Bruce safe

but the bull is _done with this_  
standing bloody and unbowed  
with the cruel barbs dangling  
from his black shoulders.

The bull has won,  
who almost never wins,  
and so the handlers open the gate  
to let him out of the pen of death.

It is Bruce who saves the matador,  
although the man will never fight again.  
It is Hulk who remembers the bull  
and how he made so stern a stand.

They have, each of them,  
his own center, but  
sometimes the two align.

 

When an end comes to the running,  
it is like nothing either of them  
had ever imagined:

there is a little girl  
and a window,

a slim woman who is fierce  
but holds inside her  
a little girl, trembling.

Bruce remembers the bullfight  
and the cruel game  
with its planned conclusion,  
but Hulk remembers the bull  
and the power of _querencia_.

The woman is not expecting this  
and she is thrown off her game by it.

The Chitauri, when they come,  
have no concept of it

and Bruce _calls_ Hulk this time,  
draws him into the centerpoint  
where they sink their feet into the street  
and drive their fist into the dragon's face  
so that it crumples like a soda can.

 

_Querencia_ is a sanctuary,  
a refuge that makes them feel safe.

It is offered first to Bruce,  
but Hulk can come along for the ride --  
come to the tower, to a whole floor  
made warm and welcoming;  
come to the kitchen, to an oven  
that smells of fresh-baked bread.

Come to game night, come,  
Tony's hand tugging them along  
even though they drag their feet;  
he is gentle yet insistent,  
and in the end they follow him.

Bruce feels conspicuous  
and out of sorts here  
but Hulk knows how to soothe him.  
Hulk finds a hiding place,  
and at first it is too small for comfort  
but later it is bigger and they love it.

It has been so long  
that they have almost forgotten  
what it feels like to be safe,  
but Uncle Phil reminds them.

 

_Querencia_ is a warmth  
like a campfire on a cold night,  
coals in the shape of a woman's name,  
crackle like her dark hair after a storm.

It is the wanting place,  
and yes, Hulk _wants_.

Sometimes Hulk and Bruce  
want the same things,  
the same person.

Betty is good for them both  
in ways that Hulk can feel  
but not describe,

a deep soothing heat of desire  
that melts away the cold fear inside  
and replaces it with love.

Betty is the only person  
who does not flinch away  
when their eyes flash green --  
because she wants _all_ of them --

and oh, Hulk wants to be wanted.

 

_Querencia_ is a source of strength,  
the place from which the power flows  
like sweet water bubbling up  
from under the stones.

Hulk is strongest.

He is strongest not just  
because of his muscles  
but because this --

his understanding of _querencia,_  
his ability to find it wherever he goes,  
so that he always has firm ground to stand upon.

 

There is a place, though,  
where Hulk does not go,  
although it is the strongest of all --

the place where, if he could  
only stand there for one moment  
he would be stronger than ever before.

For Hulk, _querencia_  
lies somewhere inside Bruce's heart.  
Hulk knows that he is not  
welcome there yet --

but he can see it from here.

**Author's Note:**

> [Bullfighting](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish-style_bullfighting) is commonly mentioned in context of _querencia,_ as it is dangerous if the bull discovers a calm source of strength. On the rare occasions when a bull defeats a matador, it is customary to let the bull live and retire him for stud.
> 
> Thanks to  for reminding me to link "[Invictus](http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/182194)" as one of the inspirations for this poem.
> 
> _[The Avengers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Avengers_\(2012_film\)) _ features the meeting between Bruce Banner and Black Widow, along with the fight against the Chitauri.
> 
> [Switching](http://www.kinhost.org/wiki/Main/Switching) is the process of changing who is [in front](http://www.kinhost.org/wiki/Main/Fronting), controlling the body. At first, Bruce-and-Hulk switch only on instinct. Later, Bruce develops a habit of "sitting on" Hulk to discourage him from coming out, while Hulk learns to shove Bruce out of the way on purpose during an emergency. Only in very recent times have they begun learning the kind of cooperation required for a mutually agreed switch -- and it's much less stressful on both of them.
> 
> [Children need security](http://www.health-science-spirit.com/children.html). [Abuse erodes](http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/overcoming-child-abuse/201006/stop-the-world-i-want-feel-safe) that feeling of safety, often creating problems which may be permanent unless a lot of work is done to fix them. It's important to distinguish between [feeling safe and being safe](http://www.fosteringperspectives.org/fpv17n2/psychological-safety.html). A good therapist can [help someone feel safe](http://www.metanoia.org/choose/gethelp05.htm), and you can see Uncle Phil using some of the same techniques to [establish game night as safe space](http://www.schoolclimate.org/parents/safeHome.php). Think about how to [create a feeling of security](http://helpyourselftherapy.com/topics/feelsafe.html) for yourself and [what things help you feel safe](http://www.acu.edu.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0007/253996/Tool_1D_Things_that_make_me_feel_safe.pdf).
> 
> Most [people need people](http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/connecting/connection-happiness) in order to feel happy. [Wanting to be wanted](http://www.examiner.com/article/wanting-to-be-wanted-a-marriage) and [needing to be needed](http://singledatingdiva.com/2013/01/28/secrets-revealed-men-need-to-feel-needed/) are common feelings, especially for [Helper type people](http://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/type2.php).
> 
> [Feeling unwelcome](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-goulston-md/how-do-you-lean-in-when-you-feel-unwelcome_b_3176355.html) and [fear of intimacy](http://albertellis.org/dealing-with-your-partners-fear-of-intimacy/) make it difficult to connect with anyone. Bruce-and-Hulk have problems with this. There are ways to [increase emotional intimacy](http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/emotional-intimacy-in-relationships/). [Boundaries](http://lifeesteem.org/wellness/wellness_boundaries.html) are vital to a healthy relationship, and you should [know how to respect them](http://www.ehow.com/how_8329138_respect-boundaries.html). Bruce-and-Hulk begin with terrible boundaries but they are gradually getting better. Sadly Bruce has _no clue_ how hard Hulk works to respect his boundaries now, and as a result is trampling all over Hulk.
> 
> [Earning trust](http://www.franksonnenbergonline.com/blog/winning-trust-a-step-by-step-guide/) after [someone has been abused](http://purposefullyscarred.com/2013/03/08/learning-to-trust-after-abuse/) can be very difficult. There are tips on [deciding who to trust after abuse](http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/04/how-to-decide-who-to-trust-post-abuse/). Understand how [abused children can learn how to trust adults](http://www.theguardian.com/society/2003/jun/22/adoptionandfostering.adoption), and compare with the process for [gaining the trust of an abused pet](http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/pet-advice/gaining-trust-of-abused-dog). Also challenging is [convincing someone to trust you again](http://www.wikihow.com/Convince-Someone-to-Trust-You-Again) after you have hurt them. These factors apply both to Bruce and Hulk. There are ways of [building trust](http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Trust).


End file.
